20 entries categorized "People Are Funny"

Subtitles used in Hong Kong Movies

English Subtitles (used in films from Hong Kong) (to cheer up Mat)

You daring lousy guy.

Beat him out of recognizable shape!

Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.

I have been scared silly too much lately.

I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

How can you use my intestines as a gift?

Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feats on some butt of the giant lizard person.

I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

Gun wounds again?

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken.

Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.

Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.

Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!


A joke from Rik Brooks

God was sitting in heaven, just minding his own business when a scientist prayed to him.

“God, we don’t need you any more. We’ve learned how to create life from nothing, just like You did in the beginning”

“Oh really?” God said, “This is interesting. Show me.”

The scientist bent down and started molding earth into the shape of man.

Oh no,” God said, “get your own dirt”


The Commonwealth Bank

Spammers are currently flooding everyone's In Boxes with emails that appear to be coming from the Commonwealth Bank requesting that you click a link to help them in their scheduled software upgrade.

Hoax030506_1

When you click the link, it takes you to another official-looking page asking you to type in your client number, password, email address, and answers to two security questions.

As ridiculous as this might sound, many people trust their bank, and this does appear to all intents and purposes to come from the bank. Naturally, as soon as you fill in your details, scammers will access your bank account and empty it as fast as you can.

The funny thing is that in order to make this fake page look as close to the real bank sign-in page as possible, it has several links to the real Commonwealth Bank on it including one link warning about Hoax emails. Click on that link and you go to the Commonwealth Bank's page alerting you about the very scam you may well have just participated in! I guess you can't say the scammers didn't give you fair warning!

___________________________________________

My experience with the Commonwealth Bank the other day was of a very different nature.

I'm sure most people are familiar with the deposit envelopes the bank provides, where you pop your deposit slip and cheques inside and drop them into a quick deposit box inside the bank. These envelopes clearly say on the outside DO NOT POST. I've always wondered what would happen if you did accidentally post one.

Now I know...

After going to the bank with some letters, stopping at a post box along the way and then discovering I know held a letter and no longer had my deposit envelope... it was pretty clear that I had finally done the inevitable and posted my DO NOT POST deposit slip. I knew this was not the first time anyone had ever done this so I went into the Commonwealth Bank to ask what was the standard procedure.

Unfortunately the chap at the enquiry desk had no idea what I was talking about. He kept asking me for my keycard details and I kept asking him, "What happens to deposit envelopes that are accidentally posted." We were at an impasse until I finally answered his question and said "I'm actually a VTU (Victorian Teacher's Credit Union) customer, I deposit my cheques through the Commonwealth Bank and they pass them on to VTU." He replied "I'm afraid that if you are a VTU customer, what happens is that when you deposit your cheques we pass them on to the VTU." I explained that I knew that already, and he told me I'd have to address my enquiry to the VTU.

Once again, I tried to ask my simple question and he got a superior over who again asked me for my keycard details, then told me I'd have to speak to the VTU they could not help me.

I headed off in search for the Post Office.

As I couldn't find them anywhere I called them on the phone and, after clarifying with the talking computer that I did not want to speak to 'Australia Post Enquiries' a live human spoke to me and asked "Did you want Australia Post Glen Waverley?" "Yes thankyou" I replied, and he gave me the number for Australia Post Enquiries.

After waiting on hold for 10 minutes I finally spoke to another live human who listened to my story, reassured me that this happens a lot, and explained my options.

  1. I could pay $21 and a postal worker would come to the letter box with a manager to supervise as he would sort through the letters, retrieve mine, and hand it over to me. This service was not guaranteed and the mail may already have been collected from that Post Box.
  2. I could wait, the envelope would end up in the Dead Letter Office in about two days, then it would be handed on to the Commonwealth Bank around two to three weeks later, and then the Bank would decide what to do with it.

As it was now late in the day, I was pretty sure option 1 was out because the box had probably been emptied by now, and after my experience with Bill and Ben at the bank's enquiry counter I was pretty sure option 2 was a guarantee I'd never see the cheque again.

I called the person who gave me the cheque, they cancelled it and sent me out a new one instead.

So if you've ever wondered what might happen if you accidentally posted one of those pesky little deposit envelopes... now you know!


Practical Joke Time

Being magicians, it's almost expected that we're practical jokers as well. To be honest, we don't indulge ourselves that often, but when we do... Sue-Anne had some fun a few days ago as she bid her brother Glen farewell and he drove his family back to Sydney after two weeks visiting us over Christmas. I'll let Sue-Anne explain what happened:

The trick on Glen worked an absolute TREAT!!!!

Glen, his children and Helena (my Mum) left Melbourne a few days back after a round of brotherly teasing. Of course I HAD to 'get him back' for all the laughs he had at my expense so I phoned Renee, a friend of Glen's whom he was staying that night before the final leg to Sydney. She was delighted to be involved in a little joke on Glen, ESPECIALLY since she's on the receiving end of Glen's teasing as well. I asked her to prepare a sign for the back of Glen's car to be put in place the next morning by Mum, as Renee distracted Glen from the 'dirty work'. Preparations were immediatley put into place - car tank filled with fuel the night before, car parked on just the right angle - all so he wouldn't accidently discover the plot before his journey home. As Renee distracted Glen (which wasn't hard to do) Mum placed the sign on the inside back window and organised the luggage to mask it from the rearview mirror, she was caught by the children who wondered about her antics. They were told of the secret joke and told them they must NOT reveal it. The little angels acted as if nothing was awry. All waved their goodbyes.

They left the city of Goulburn and, once on the freeway, the fun began.

A large car went cruising by Glen... TOOOT - TOOOT - TOOOOOOT - the family in the car waving and the kids sticking their thumbs up for a 'goodonya mate'. Glen was surprised, smiled and joked that he must have met them in Melbourne on New Year's Eve (seeing they had Melbourne number plates)... then put it down to the Canon sign on his car and figured they must have been associated somehow.

Another car went cruising past (I think with a couple of guys) toot - toot - waves from the men. Glen was again surprised and didn't quite know what to think of it but liked the friendliness, anyway.

A little further along and another car passed - TOOOOOT - tooot toot toot - two lovely women delightfully waved at Glen and sped on. ?

Glen was again surprised, really liked the attention... but became a little suspicious.

Next - a police car...

They followed Glen for a while, then pulled up alongside him. Glen dared not look over, sensing a dark look from the officer in the passenger seat. Mum saw them and said the passenger officer did indeed have a grim face and eyed Glen warily as they slowly passed, but must have decided that all was OK.

Finally, A HUGE 4W Drive came BULLDOZING up behind them, overtook with TTTTOOOOOOTTTT TOOOT TOOOT TOOT TOOT - TOOT TOOT!!!!! ARMS of of the passengers WAVING EXCITEDLY at Glen.

That was the LAST STAW!!!

Glen said "DO I HAVE A SIGN ON THE BACK SAYING "KICK ME - I'M AN IDIOT???"

Mum couldn't help herself - she broke into giggles, then gales of laughter. Murray (Glen's son) began to laugh and say "Nanna - can we tell him, now?" Mum said "Sue-Anne told you to watch out, she'd get you back for your teasing. You DO have a sign on the back. It says "HONK ME - IT'S MY BIRTHDAY".

Glen thought it was the funniest thing that happened to him in a long time and it totally amused Helena and Murray for the whole last leg of the trip home.

Don't tease your sisters!!!


"Unisex? But I'm a woman!"

I did a show on Friday at a very trendy restaurant in the Docklands precinct. This place was so trendy, the sign guiding people to the toilets was this:

Image_00329

This meant that toilets 1 & 2 were standard sit-down commodes suitable for either sex, while toilet 3 was a urinal and just a little difficult for most women to use. As I was preparing my show nearby, I couldn't help but be amused by the number of women who were totally bewildered by the sign. They kept asking each other "But where are the Ladies toilets?" None of them dared to venture into the mysterious world of 'Unisex'.


Mrs N. Available

Tammii Twister is in the process of moving into her new shop 'Trick or Treat'.

Shop

With all of the things that have to be done within the next three weeks in order to open the shop in time, some of her suppliers seem to be playing a few "tricks" of their own. Optus sent her a letter addressed to "Mrs Not Available", as her first name is "Not" the letter begins "Dear Mrs Available". I guess her parents "Always" and "Nolonger" had a real sense of humour when they named their daughter....

Available_1


No toilet paper for you!

So we stopped in at a petrol station the other day to buy snacks and use the toilet. As we were waiting in line a person came out telling us all there was no toilet paper. Someone else went up to the lady at the cash register and asked for toilet paper. The lady replied "I'm not putting any more toilet paper in there, you people just keep using it up!"